Should or Should Not?

My husband has a close Christian friend whom he regularly chats with about life's road and travels. Recently this gentleman shared a phrase with Scott that reads, "I will not SHOULD on myself today." He even gave him an 8x10 printout and Scott put it on his dresser the day he brought it home, and there it still sits. When I first looked at it, I couldn't comprehend what it actually meant. It was frustrating! I am usually fairly quick at deciphering the meaning of words and this little phrase followed me around for days and days, creeping into my thoughts repeatedly. When I finally concluded what this one small phrase could encompass, it was as if a light bulb turned on above my head....it all fell into place.

Life isn't about knocking ourselves out on a daily basis at the expense of our sanity and health. It's not about all work and no play, nor sacrificing what is important to us on an individual basis. It's not about compromising our values and our core being just because someone else may disagree with what we are doing or about to do. What this little phrase has said to me, in the midst of a major debate and huge decision, is that I don't have to go to bed at night and think about all of the things that I SHOULD have said, SHOULD have done, SHOULD do tomorrow. I am responsible for my thoughts and actions, and selfish as some may think, there is no reason that I SHOULD feel guilty for decisions that are in the process of being made.

If you know me well, then you know of my giving nature, my tendency to do for others long before I do something for myself. You know that I love with everything that I have and trust even the most untrustworthy. My heart is often much larger than my head and sometimes my willingness to forgive and love gets in the way of common sense and sound decisions. I have been blessed enough to experience very difficult situations in my 35 years (death, infidelity, divorce, sudden death, infertility, etc) and have in turn been able to use my knowledge to help others who have also walked a similar path. In sharing some of my experience, the hurt luckily doesn't surface as quickly as it used to and I do feel very, very blessed to be able to counsel others, even if in just a small way. Unfortunately, I do battle with the Shoulds and Should Nots, because even with the best intentions, we are all human...and even with solicitations for advice, knowledge and counsel, my words and actions have been misinterpreted and manipulated, leaving me to question myself....Should I have just been quiet? Didn't God allow me to deeply learn from my life so far in order to share it with others? Where is the fine line? And, most recently (thanks, Scottie, for your little poster on the dresser), how do I live each day and not SHOULD on myself?

I had to make a very difficult decision recently that was one of the most scary and just downright hard things I have had to do. I had to decide to stand strong, stand firm and stand tall, even when all I wanted to do was pull the covers over my head and not continuously worry and fear the person and situation that I was in the midst of. It was difficult, to say the least. And, you know me well if you are actually reading this...you know that I had to totally fake it. I am not a bold person with a big personality. I love, I give, I pray...I don't stand up to bullies, but I do pray for their hearts and minds. So, in taking my stance it snowballed into a sudden state of unemployment, by my own choice. Should I have done this? I wish I could say that I am resting easy with the choice and situation, but I am not. I am sad, hurting and confused. I miss my work family (minus the bully) and my doctor, who is also a good friend. So, that little poster is haunting my thoughts...and I am having an issue with my decision, still unsure of my own actions and reactions and contemplating this fork in the Road of Life.

How do we rest peacefully and easily with our choices? If we have prayed about it, contemplated it, talked to others who often give sound advice, how can we sit back and wonder...Should I fix this (and how????)? Should I have just let it go, let it continue, trust in the fact that God will protect me? (Again, how??????)

I am not sure if I made the right choice. I did step out of the chaos and back into what I had hoped would be peace. But, I don't feel peaceful. I feel sad.

Until again,
~Red