The year is coming to an end. Finally. Goodbye 2010, hello 2011. It seems cliche that we become so reflective at the end of each calendar year, when in fact the reflection should take place each and every day. As this year comes to a much-welcomed close, I am reflecting upon lessons learned, lessons taught, lessons observed and how change is sometimes just what one needs. Like a freshly washed blackboard on the first day of school, the trees budding in the spring...a clean slate and a fresh start.
A year ago this week, we began what has turned out to be a very long journey to begin our family. Due to circumstances beyond our control and way too much stress in our daily lives, our first cycle of IVF failed. Looking back, it was a foolish decision to choose that time in our lives to try to have a baby...and that decision has been made a few times since. Each time, it ends in heartbreak...whether by miscarriage or cycle failure....either way, its another step towards a door that is slowly closing in our futures. So, one of the biggest lessons that we have both learned is that stress is damaging. Research proves that it is harmful to our bodies in so many ways...cancer-causing, stroke-inducing, obesity, depression...stress is a common denominator. However, we have also learned that managing stress and the influences surrounding us (jobs, family, infertility, friends, etc) is really important. And, it is acceptable to, after putting God first, to put our marriage in a close second...for this is what the Bible instructs us to do. When each day is done I know that I have at least one constant that I can depend on, and that is my husband. Friends come and go (the true ones stick around), family is a constant ebb and flow of change and discord, careers take on new directions, we move to new places...but we always have one another, and in that there is great contentment, only found after much grief and turmoil and trial and error. So, the lesson has been learned and will be under very close management in the future.
In making the move back to Chicago, we said farewell to jobs that we loved and great friends that were made while in Dallas. If the last four months are any indication to "lifetime" friendships, then I am confident in saying that some of the best friends we've been lucky enough to know have been from relationships that began in Texas. (See, Texas was good for something!) Although its wonderful to be home, where our heartstrings have been pulling us for quite some time, it has not happened without turmoil and...you guessed it...stress. Luckily, we have a very close core group of loved ones that have kept us focused, serious and sane. Well, and we've had a little bit of fun along the way, too. :) Scott has a wonderful position in a very popular restaurant with tons of room for upward growth and I am on the brink of a position that I have been searching for since I arrived. Good things come to those who patiently wait (Thanks again, Dad!), and our waiting has allowed each of us the time to reflect upon the past and plan for the future.
In creating a new life (both baby-speak and collectively), we are going to say goodbye to some of the social outlets that have created unnecessary issues while we focus on expanding our family. I will still check Facebook periodically, but for privacy reasons none of our news will be public knowledge. My body is working very diligently for me and I am choosing to protect every moment of each day; selfish, some may say, but a choice that has been a long time coming. Health, happiness and well being are at the top of the list of goals for 2011. So, goodbye chaos & stress and misread, manipulated words and status updates. Hello, Peace and Grace. We've been waiting a long time for you!
We are excited for what lies ahead and thankful for a daily dose of hope and love, tempered with a bit of patience and the desire to endure. This next chapter of life will be an exciting one; carefully protected, tenderly loved. Blogging will continue, but in a different capacity. More humor, less personal. My novel writing can finally resume, bread baking for fun and not stress relief will happen, and yoga is once again for an inward peace and outward release. Email and phone calls are welcomed! Facebooking is not.
Have a safe and blessed Christmas and wishing much love, peace and joy in the new year.
Until again,
~Red
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Should or Should Not?
My husband has a close Christian friend whom he regularly chats with about life's road and travels. Recently this gentleman shared a phrase with Scott that reads, "I will not SHOULD on myself today." He even gave him an 8x10 printout and Scott put it on his dresser the day he brought it home, and there it still sits. When I first looked at it, I couldn't comprehend what it actually meant. It was frustrating! I am usually fairly quick at deciphering the meaning of words and this little phrase followed me around for days and days, creeping into my thoughts repeatedly. When I finally concluded what this one small phrase could encompass, it was as if a light bulb turned on above my head....it all fell into place.
Life isn't about knocking ourselves out on a daily basis at the expense of our sanity and health. It's not about all work and no play, nor sacrificing what is important to us on an individual basis. It's not about compromising our values and our core being just because someone else may disagree with what we are doing or about to do. What this little phrase has said to me, in the midst of a major debate and huge decision, is that I don't have to go to bed at night and think about all of the things that I SHOULD have said, SHOULD have done, SHOULD do tomorrow. I am responsible for my thoughts and actions, and selfish as some may think, there is no reason that I SHOULD feel guilty for decisions that are in the process of being made.
If you know me well, then you know of my giving nature, my tendency to do for others long before I do something for myself. You know that I love with everything that I have and trust even the most untrustworthy. My heart is often much larger than my head and sometimes my willingness to forgive and love gets in the way of common sense and sound decisions. I have been blessed enough to experience very difficult situations in my 35 years (death, infidelity, divorce, sudden death, infertility, etc) and have in turn been able to use my knowledge to help others who have also walked a similar path. In sharing some of my experience, the hurt luckily doesn't surface as quickly as it used to and I do feel very, very blessed to be able to counsel others, even if in just a small way. Unfortunately, I do battle with the Shoulds and Should Nots, because even with the best intentions, we are all human...and even with solicitations for advice, knowledge and counsel, my words and actions have been misinterpreted and manipulated, leaving me to question myself....Should I have just been quiet? Didn't God allow me to deeply learn from my life so far in order to share it with others? Where is the fine line? And, most recently (thanks, Scottie, for your little poster on the dresser), how do I live each day and not SHOULD on myself?
I had to make a very difficult decision recently that was one of the most scary and just downright hard things I have had to do. I had to decide to stand strong, stand firm and stand tall, even when all I wanted to do was pull the covers over my head and not continuously worry and fear the person and situation that I was in the midst of. It was difficult, to say the least. And, you know me well if you are actually reading this...you know that I had to totally fake it. I am not a bold person with a big personality. I love, I give, I pray...I don't stand up to bullies, but I do pray for their hearts and minds. So, in taking my stance it snowballed into a sudden state of unemployment, by my own choice. Should I have done this? I wish I could say that I am resting easy with the choice and situation, but I am not. I am sad, hurting and confused. I miss my work family (minus the bully) and my doctor, who is also a good friend. So, that little poster is haunting my thoughts...and I am having an issue with my decision, still unsure of my own actions and reactions and contemplating this fork in the Road of Life.
How do we rest peacefully and easily with our choices? If we have prayed about it, contemplated it, talked to others who often give sound advice, how can we sit back and wonder...Should I fix this (and how????)? Should I have just let it go, let it continue, trust in the fact that God will protect me? (Again, how??????)
I am not sure if I made the right choice. I did step out of the chaos and back into what I had hoped would be peace. But, I don't feel peaceful. I feel sad.
Until again,
~Red
Life isn't about knocking ourselves out on a daily basis at the expense of our sanity and health. It's not about all work and no play, nor sacrificing what is important to us on an individual basis. It's not about compromising our values and our core being just because someone else may disagree with what we are doing or about to do. What this little phrase has said to me, in the midst of a major debate and huge decision, is that I don't have to go to bed at night and think about all of the things that I SHOULD have said, SHOULD have done, SHOULD do tomorrow. I am responsible for my thoughts and actions, and selfish as some may think, there is no reason that I SHOULD feel guilty for decisions that are in the process of being made.
If you know me well, then you know of my giving nature, my tendency to do for others long before I do something for myself. You know that I love with everything that I have and trust even the most untrustworthy. My heart is often much larger than my head and sometimes my willingness to forgive and love gets in the way of common sense and sound decisions. I have been blessed enough to experience very difficult situations in my 35 years (death, infidelity, divorce, sudden death, infertility, etc) and have in turn been able to use my knowledge to help others who have also walked a similar path. In sharing some of my experience, the hurt luckily doesn't surface as quickly as it used to and I do feel very, very blessed to be able to counsel others, even if in just a small way. Unfortunately, I do battle with the Shoulds and Should Nots, because even with the best intentions, we are all human...and even with solicitations for advice, knowledge and counsel, my words and actions have been misinterpreted and manipulated, leaving me to question myself....Should I have just been quiet? Didn't God allow me to deeply learn from my life so far in order to share it with others? Where is the fine line? And, most recently (thanks, Scottie, for your little poster on the dresser), how do I live each day and not SHOULD on myself?
I had to make a very difficult decision recently that was one of the most scary and just downright hard things I have had to do. I had to decide to stand strong, stand firm and stand tall, even when all I wanted to do was pull the covers over my head and not continuously worry and fear the person and situation that I was in the midst of. It was difficult, to say the least. And, you know me well if you are actually reading this...you know that I had to totally fake it. I am not a bold person with a big personality. I love, I give, I pray...I don't stand up to bullies, but I do pray for their hearts and minds. So, in taking my stance it snowballed into a sudden state of unemployment, by my own choice. Should I have done this? I wish I could say that I am resting easy with the choice and situation, but I am not. I am sad, hurting and confused. I miss my work family (minus the bully) and my doctor, who is also a good friend. So, that little poster is haunting my thoughts...and I am having an issue with my decision, still unsure of my own actions and reactions and contemplating this fork in the Road of Life.
How do we rest peacefully and easily with our choices? If we have prayed about it, contemplated it, talked to others who often give sound advice, how can we sit back and wonder...Should I fix this (and how????)? Should I have just let it go, let it continue, trust in the fact that God will protect me? (Again, how??????)
I am not sure if I made the right choice. I did step out of the chaos and back into what I had hoped would be peace. But, I don't feel peaceful. I feel sad.
Until again,
~Red
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Cheaper by the Dozen
Well, even though my blog is still under construction and I am trying my best to reorganize my page and all of the links, pictures, etc that are displayed, I really need to post an update today for friends and family to become informed as to what is currently going on.
Most of you know that Scott and I began our journey towards our future family a few weeks ago. I have been doing injections at home in order to prepare my body and my eggs for an egg retrieval later this week, which means that my eggs would be taken, fertilized by Scott's sperm, incubated for 5 days in the lab and then the embryos are transferred back into their rightful home, my uterus.
Yesterday was Day 10 of stimulation meds and another ultrasound with bloodwork. I have been going to our clinic every other day for almost two weeks and have been giving myself shots since December 11. My doctor has been out of town for a few weeks (which we just learned as of yesterday morning) and apparently my medication dose was not as high as it should have been in order to facilitate the making of mature and retrieval-ready eggs for Wednesday's appointment. In a nutshell, our cycle has been canceled and I don't really have any further information at this moment in time. I will follow up with my doctor on Friday morning and hope to have a new (and better monitored) plan after that time and will keep everyone in the loop.
On a positive note, I can finally take the necessary medications to kick this sinus/head/chest cold! Acupuncture will also resume as of Friday and will continue to be an active part of our Fertility Game Plan.
Please continue your prayers for both Scott and I as we endure this journey together. We are hopeful and prayerful...this will not set us back emotionally or physically....if anything, it allows us time to continue to prepare our bodies and minds for what is next to come.
Until again,
~Red
Most of you know that Scott and I began our journey towards our future family a few weeks ago. I have been doing injections at home in order to prepare my body and my eggs for an egg retrieval later this week, which means that my eggs would be taken, fertilized by Scott's sperm, incubated for 5 days in the lab and then the embryos are transferred back into their rightful home, my uterus.
Yesterday was Day 10 of stimulation meds and another ultrasound with bloodwork. I have been going to our clinic every other day for almost two weeks and have been giving myself shots since December 11. My doctor has been out of town for a few weeks (which we just learned as of yesterday morning) and apparently my medication dose was not as high as it should have been in order to facilitate the making of mature and retrieval-ready eggs for Wednesday's appointment. In a nutshell, our cycle has been canceled and I don't really have any further information at this moment in time. I will follow up with my doctor on Friday morning and hope to have a new (and better monitored) plan after that time and will keep everyone in the loop.
On a positive note, I can finally take the necessary medications to kick this sinus/head/chest cold! Acupuncture will also resume as of Friday and will continue to be an active part of our Fertility Game Plan.
Please continue your prayers for both Scott and I as we endure this journey together. We are hopeful and prayerful...this will not set us back emotionally or physically....if anything, it allows us time to continue to prepare our bodies and minds for what is next to come.
Until again,
~Red
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