Missing Mom

Twelve years. It seems like it was a moment ago, yet a lifetime away. My mother passed away twelve years ago this evening after a long and brave battle with lung cancer. Each year that passes, you would assume that it would be easier to let the "date" come and go...and in some ways, it IS easier because time and faith do alleviate some of the pain. But, grief doesn't just show up because of an anniversary, a birthday, a holiday...it rears its ugly head of indescribable pain unexpectedly sometimes, and to this I say, "I embrace you." Let the tears flow, the heart-pain ache. This too shall pass. If anything, this sadness and grief serves as a reminder to me just how much my Mother loved each of her children (yes, all 8 of us!), her husband, her grandchildren and her friends. Though I was just 26 when she left this Earth, she managed to teach me more in those formative years of my life than I could ever have learned on my own. She was my mother: she birthed me, loved me, taught me, nurtured me. As I grew older, she became more than just "mom", she was my best friend and spiritual mother as well.

Today, as I wearily began to embrace today for what it is, I was reading a blog written by a woman who recently went to Haiti on a Bloggers Tour. I found her accidentally while (also unexpectedly) reading the most life-altering book my hands have ever held: "7" by Jen Hatmaker (more about this in another post, another day). Anyway, Sarah's blog from yesterday (that I read today) was about Spiritual Mothers and its timing could not have been more perfect. I urge you to find her and read every word she has written. www.sarahbessey.com  In response to her post, I added a comment (not something I do very often, but this one couldn't be suppressed), and I wanted to share it below, as it perfectly describes how I am feeling on this day of celebrating/grieving/missing/etc my Mother.

As posted on Sarah's website:

Sarah, I can't even begin to express what a gift your words are to me today. As I woke early this morning, I dreaded getting up and facing the day, as it is the twelfth anniversary of my Mother's death after a long battle with lung cancer. I was barely 26 on the day that she passed away. At that moment, I had no idea the enormity of grief that would come in waves as the years have passed. When she first left this earth, I grieved her death and remained thankful that she was no longer suffering and in a place much better than anywhere that we are living. As time and years passed, I found myself grieving in the days that led up to my wedding, to a man that she would never know and love. Then, a bit later, as I grieved the loss of my first child, I also found myself in tears over my Mom yet again...tears of sadness that she would never see the children that we welcome into our family (by birth or adoption), tears of anger that she died so young and would never be an active part of my adulthood, to witness the woman I had awkwardly grown into. Twelve years later on this very day, as I reflect upon everything I can remember about her: the expressions of love from her and hearing her sweet voice singing in my mind, I choose to not grieve the void she left, but to rejoice in the memories and life lessons learned.

My mother was my "physical" Mom and a spiritual Mother as well. I am so thankful for the women that have touched my life since her passing: girlfriends, my sisters, my sister in law, and most recently, *you* and some of the bloggers from your Haiti Blogger Team. Your stories and words are a huge inspiration to me and I am blessed to be following you on this journey...I can feel your heart in every word that you write! I hope that we can meet someday and chat over coffee about writing and Haiti and God. :)

God bless my little Mom in Heaven and may each of you take a moment to pray for the person in your life who has mothered you. 

Until again, 

~Red