TIME TO GIVE INFERTILITY A VOICE.

IT'S TIME TO GIVE INFERTILITY A VOICE. 

I have been super busy with my business launch the last few months and am excited to share a very real + vulnerable piece of myself and my life with you.

Since Scott and I decided to close the chapter on our infertility + failed adoption journey, we spent quite a bit of time grieving, growing and healing. As you know...I am a wellness coach, and I have been working within the coaching realm for years. I went looking for a life-after-this-crappy-journey coach, and found myself in a place of not being able to find one specific to my needs :: being on the other side of Infertility, without baby. Because I am resourceful, and because I know many coaches of all types, I was able to work with several different women for each broken part of me (and my relationships, including my marriage) over a period of time that brought me, and my heart + body, full circle to today. 

My wellness coaching business is going really well, but there has been a piece missing. I am a natural born caretaker and empathic soul, and though I do great work that facilitates change on so many levels, my heart has not felt complete until now. I feel like I have literally been birthing "my baby" the last month and it has been an amazing process! 

Life After Infertility can be an extremely lonely, isolating place, and probably one that no one around you can fully understand unless they've worn similar shoes. I have created a coaching program for women just like ME...who have chosen to close the door on the painful, hormone-ridden, medication-manipulated chapters of baby-making and are beginning to step fully into a brand new space...but don't quite know where to begin. 

Because this is such a sensitive subject, and because Infertility affects 1 in 4 couples (that means that on my friends list alone, about 150+ of you are affected in some way), I am asking that you share this message with your friends and loved ones if it resonates with you. It is time to give a VOICE and SUPPORT to those who are ready for Life After Infertility, and I would love for you to join me in writing a new story. To read more, please visit: www.christineanderson.com/afterinfertilityexperience

Until again, 

Red. 

A Day to Honor National Pregnancy & Infant Loss

"The other thing I know: A broken heart is lighter when we carry it together." -Shauna Niequist

Having experienced multiple miscarriages myself and personally knowing so many women that have walked that same painful road, I think this is an important (and quick) read for everyone.

Read Shauna's blog post HERE. 

Miscarriage and infant loss is a topic that is so ever present, yet still makes us feel like we are alone in our suffering and pain because we struggle with the silence...and the "whys" and "what-ifs". Our friends, and sometimes even our families, shy away from the discussion, the tears, the hugs. It is uncomfortable. It is painful. Sometimes there are no words that feel right and loving and justifiable, so none are said at all, which can add to the already painful moments.

Let me be one to share that yes, it IS uncomfortable, but we would much rather have your silent, loving hug to acknowledge the pain than have nothing at all. The pain does subside, with occasional reminders of what might have been--the news of an unplanned pregnancy of someone you know, the birth of a child to someone who doesn't want it, your best friend having another baby after years of being "done". Yes, the pain does lessen and subside, but it never goes away completely. With faith and hope and love, strength prevails and time marches on. We find love and solace in other things: maybe we do end up having another child (and maybe we don't); perhaps our love is poured into someone or something else that brings us great joy; maybe we are given the gift of a special child that belongs to someone else but we are able to love them as our own. No matter what, I believe that God just "knows". He knows what is best and what will sustain us and He will allow us enough of whatever it is to feel a part of the journey in some way.

Ladies (and guys, too): you're not alone if you have experienced miscarriage, the loss of a child, the pain of a failed adoption, the disappointment of fertility treatments gone wrong...we share this journey. It can be lighter when we put it all into words.

On this day of remembering the losses, I love Shauna's words: "A broken heart is lighter when we carry it together."

I would love to hear your thoughts on this. Let's lighten our load together.

Until again,
~Red

Homeless

How do you serve the Homeless in your city?

I have been toying with this sentence for nearly 48 hours now, unable to fully focus on “my regular stuff” with this sudden and huge burden that has been placed upon my heart. It has brought me to tears—uncontrollable, ugly crying—while researching as quickly as my fingers will type. Today’s writing may be less than eloquent and probably not even very organized but this is a life-stopping topic that needs to be brought out into the open.

The Homeless in Chicago.

In the city of Chicago alone, there were more than 116,000 homeless people in July, 2013. That number grew by 10% in just one year. ONE YEAR. Of those, 50% of that huge number are FAMILIES and nearly 19,000 are children. Whole families are on the streets and waiting for a place in a shelter, which have very long waiting lists and sometimes close up and disappear without an announcement. (All data-info gathered from lpcsonline.org and chicagohomeless.org). And, it just isn’t true that the majority of them are drug addicts and veterans. In fact, veterans are just 6% of Chicago’s homeless population and 33% of the homeless in our city have been victims of domestic violence. The children, the women, the men. There is no gender or color or race that specifies these souls. The majority of them want to work and want to feed their kids—they have not chosen this way of life.

Why am I talking about the Homeless?

Well, this confession is embarrassing and is teaching me all about grace and humility. It is one of my top three Worst Behavior Ever Stories, and not my proudest moment at all. I feel very humiliated about my own choices (ignorance, disregard), actions (or lack thereof) and behavior (awful). And, about two years ago I read a book that changed my perspective on many “life” things and I vowed at that time to never, ever fall back into my own complacency. Clearly, I need to re-read that awesome book frequently, because it ironically has quite a bit of emphasis on ministering to the Homeless and Children.  (The book I am referring to:  7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess)

This week at church, Scott and I helped out afterwards with the cleaning up of the building. Let me tell you, until you have participated in the disassembly, one could never guess just how much work happens behind the scenes. I was washing the breakfast dishes and packaging up the leftover food while Scott utilized his Sherpa-skills and biceps.  This is where Conviction slowly began to creep up on me. I was informed that the leftover food is sent home with a homeless man that has been attending and proven to be quite helpful with the set-up and take-down. My heart immediately ached at the thought of sending him on his way with a bag full of baked goods and a little leftover cream cheese. I mean, where’s the protein he needs for energy? The fruits and vegetables that we all need to keep our body’s systems nourished and balanced? Does he have a toothbrush and something clean to wear? I added a few things to my mental to-do list for next Sunday.  As I washed those last few dishes, I cried silent tears for him and Conviction grew a little more.

When we finished washing, carrying, packing and moving out all of the “stuff” that makes this our Church home, I stood there with a few others, talking and sort of impatiently waiting for Scott to come back with the car because I was hungry and I wanted to get outside into the sunshine and get on with my day. Yes, Conviction disappeared for those ten minutes when all I could think about was my stomach and getting somewhere in time to watch the Hawks game. And, as my stomach growled, I found myself standing next to this man and I DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING OTHER THAN HELLO to him. Really. (I told you this is by far my very least-proud moment in life.) An opportunity to ask him about himself. To witness. To offer a hug and a smile and an encouraging word. Nothing at all came out of my mouth, which (if you know me well) is definitely not my normal behavior.

Guess what happened next?

Someone brought him to lunch with us. Before you begin to think that I redeemed myself, I did not. Nope…it was someone else, and, although Conviction was poking at me all throughout our meal, I still said nothing to him. I asked about him, but I didn’t talk to him. I didn’t sit with him to find out his story. I didn’t embrace him in a big hug as my brother in Christ. In fact, I don’t even know if he knows Jesus. I did absolutely nothing…except spend the last 48 hours of my life crying tears caused by a burden laid so heavily upon my heart, tears of regret and conviction and anger at myself for not modeling what I know to be true and right and good.  It is a big dose of shame and guilt and Conviction is 100% present and working quickly in my heart and mind.

Can we save the Homeless?

I don’t know, but I would like to think that if each one of us took the time and spent what we do on one Starbucks a few times a week and instead put it towards efforts to assist, feed, clothe and shelter this tribe, then it seems like the answer could be YES. It should be YES.  Conviction is a true feeling and can show up when least expected. It can be ignored, but only for so long. As I have prayed and read and pondered, I realize that my takeaway from this experience is this:

The Homeless are my Ministry.

I’ve known it for quite some time. A really long time, actually.  It began in my early twenties when I first started exploring Chicago and then decided to move here. Today, those memories began almost 20 years ago…clearly I am a walking poster for dodging Conviction during the different paths of my sometimes selfish life. (Insert another dose of shame here.) I’ve always carried a burden for those less fortunate—especially the children—and it is time to do something about it. I realize that I can’t singlehandedly change the lives of over 100,000 people in my city. BUT I CAN start a small movement to include: volunteering, feeding and clothing those in my neighborhood. A small ripple of hope has the potential to turn into a tidal wave of giving, loving and serving and that is something that I can do right now in this very moment.

And Now What Happens?

There are so many ways to offer assistance to the Homeless in our city (and if you are reading from elsewhere in the world…your city has resources too, I promise).  Obviously food and shelter are necessary and important, and those things cost money.  I challenge you to save your coffee and lunch money for a week and then donate it to a shelter in your neighborhood.  Chicago has several and the Chicago Coalition for the Homeless is a good place to start. (http://www.chicagohomeless.org) The Lincoln Park Community Shelter is also another fantastic resource (http://www.lpcsonline.org/) and does a great job at listing out their exact needs. The Greater Chicago Food Depository (http://www.chicagosfoodbank.org) also has helpful resources if you’re looking for a place to start and not quite sure how to help.

In the book of Hebrews, it is written, “Let brotherly love continue. Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.” (Heb. 12:1-2, KJV)

And so we begin.

Who wants to join me?

Until again,

Red

Spreading My Wings to Fly

November is always a rough month for my family. I spend more time than I care to admit in the role of counselor for those around me that are still unable to find the joy in the loss of our loved ones.  Until a few months ago, I felt incredibly selfish and embarrassed at my ability to actually grieve and come out on the other side as whole. You see, I am the youngest of eight kids, and no matter how old we are (39 here), I am still the little sister and you can imagine how that might unfold in serious conversations. Missing my mother as we cross off another year since her passing is healthy and normal, as long as life right now is not fully re-routed in turmoil and discord. 

Truth be told? 

I AM TIRED OF IT. The chaos? Done. The inability to follow through on commitments and promises? Over it. Screaming and yelling and carrying on, pushing blame and awful words on me?  Not gonna happen anymore. Why? Because I don't have to participate and it is ok to let others trudge alone sometimes. I was alone, and it was painful and beautiful and necessary. I am this woman now because of my Life Road and I am more than okay with it...I love myself. I am choosing to let go of the weariness that comes along with stifling my personal happiness because it might bother someone else or disappoint them in some way.  I am done standing in the shadows in fear that, by stepping out, I may upset someone. I am intelligent, strong, funny, creative, kind-hearted and driven.  I have ideas--really big ideas--and supportive friends and mentors who encourage me to tap in to my ability to focus, create, plan and soar...and I intend to use all of this to create something big. Really big. 

So, today...I choose to stand firmly on my ground...on this solid earth beneath me, and spread my wings.  It is my time to fly and not feel guilty.  I want to desire greatness for myself and you know what?  Greatness awaits and I don't, and won't, feel terrible about it any longer. 

My mother has been gone from this earth for 13 years already (prompting this post within a post), which is beautiful and yet terrifying all in one thought.  I am so thankful for my place at the end of the line of children born and for the 25 years that I had with her.  I am grateful for my emotional strength and for the wisdom I carry forward into life, probably many years before I should truly be able to do so. I am also thankful for my true family, which many times isn't even a circle of beings that share DNA. 

I wrote the following blog shortly after my brother, David, tragically passed away.  In sharing my grief through writing, and with the support of my husband and a few close friends at the time, I found great peace, and even a dose or two of joy, as I processed my sadness in such a public forum.  As I reflected today on missing my little Mom, I was reading this post and it touched my heart so deeply, almost as if a stranger had written it and I was absorbing her exact thoughts.  So, here I am, sharing with you, nearly six years later. 

May the peace and joy of your loved ones, here and gone, fill your heart with exponential love this holiday season. 

Until again, 
~Red



A RECYCLED POST ~ "LIFE GOES ON" 

Life has to go on~it must, and it will.

It is necessary that each day propel us forward. We've all heard of it, the Circle of Life...you're born into this world; you live; and then you're gone. In this life, there will be death. Its a fact, its nothing new. Its not a surprise. It is what it is. We lose people that we love; we lose people that we don't love as much. Why, in the midst of life, when death strikes, do we regress and act as if this situation has never happened to anyone but US???? Why do some of us move forward gracefully, and others digress to the point of dying within themselves?

I am full of questions, though short on answers. Should we feel guilty for moving forward after losing someone we love? What if others around us want to constantly, and consistently, drag us down with them, when in fact we have tried so hard to get up each day and move on? How should we handle these dark clouds around us? Do we alienate them (further) from our lives, or blindly jump into the chaos they create, all in "the name of family"? Who decides what the limits are? In the grand scheme of life, shouldn't we expect death, and maybe even learn to welcome it when its time?

Shouldn't someone be in charge of keeping all of these clowns in line? I refuse to let my life become a circus and am proud of the fact that in my own little family unit, we have grieved, grown, and pressed on. What effect will this decision have on me? 

That's an answer that I do know...I will be a one (wo-)man show.

And, what do we do when someone bypasses boundaries that we have strived to set? Confrontational or gracefully, there will always be someone that isn't satisfied. How, in good faith and for personal sanity, can we draw the line and be sure that someone doesn't come along with an eraser? And when the lines are crossed, how do we move forward as broken souls?

Missing Mom

Twelve years. It seems like it was a moment ago, yet a lifetime away. My mother passed away twelve years ago this evening after a long and brave battle with lung cancer. Each year that passes, you would assume that it would be easier to let the "date" come and go...and in some ways, it IS easier because time and faith do alleviate some of the pain. But, grief doesn't just show up because of an anniversary, a birthday, a holiday...it rears its ugly head of indescribable pain unexpectedly sometimes, and to this I say, "I embrace you." Let the tears flow, the heart-pain ache. This too shall pass. If anything, this sadness and grief serves as a reminder to me just how much my Mother loved each of her children (yes, all 8 of us!), her husband, her grandchildren and her friends. Though I was just 26 when she left this Earth, she managed to teach me more in those formative years of my life than I could ever have learned on my own. She was my mother: she birthed me, loved me, taught me, nurtured me. As I grew older, she became more than just "mom", she was my best friend and spiritual mother as well.

Today, as I wearily began to embrace today for what it is, I was reading a blog written by a woman who recently went to Haiti on a Bloggers Tour. I found her accidentally while (also unexpectedly) reading the most life-altering book my hands have ever held: "7" by Jen Hatmaker (more about this in another post, another day). Anyway, Sarah's blog from yesterday (that I read today) was about Spiritual Mothers and its timing could not have been more perfect. I urge you to find her and read every word she has written. www.sarahbessey.com  In response to her post, I added a comment (not something I do very often, but this one couldn't be suppressed), and I wanted to share it below, as it perfectly describes how I am feeling on this day of celebrating/grieving/missing/etc my Mother.

As posted on Sarah's website:

Sarah, I can't even begin to express what a gift your words are to me today. As I woke early this morning, I dreaded getting up and facing the day, as it is the twelfth anniversary of my Mother's death after a long battle with lung cancer. I was barely 26 on the day that she passed away. At that moment, I had no idea the enormity of grief that would come in waves as the years have passed. When she first left this earth, I grieved her death and remained thankful that she was no longer suffering and in a place much better than anywhere that we are living. As time and years passed, I found myself grieving in the days that led up to my wedding, to a man that she would never know and love. Then, a bit later, as I grieved the loss of my first child, I also found myself in tears over my Mom yet again...tears of sadness that she would never see the children that we welcome into our family (by birth or adoption), tears of anger that she died so young and would never be an active part of my adulthood, to witness the woman I had awkwardly grown into. Twelve years later on this very day, as I reflect upon everything I can remember about her: the expressions of love from her and hearing her sweet voice singing in my mind, I choose to not grieve the void she left, but to rejoice in the memories and life lessons learned.

My mother was my "physical" Mom and a spiritual Mother as well. I am so thankful for the women that have touched my life since her passing: girlfriends, my sisters, my sister in law, and most recently, *you* and some of the bloggers from your Haiti Blogger Team. Your stories and words are a huge inspiration to me and I am blessed to be following you on this journey...I can feel your heart in every word that you write! I hope that we can meet someday and chat over coffee about writing and Haiti and God. :)

God bless my little Mom in Heaven and may each of you take a moment to pray for the person in your life who has mothered you. 

Until again, 

~Red 

Soles

I have never felt so forced to sit down and write as I do at this moment. Usually, my journals (of the paper variety) fill up quickly and my thoughts are easily sorted, organized and ready to be shared. This year is off to a very "forced" start, if that even makes sense. I'm not normally a person easily swayed or discouraged, yet I have felt discouraged in the one outlet that has always brought me a sense of completion and peace.

Change. CHANGE. change. c-h-a-n-g-e. No matter how it looks on paper, or a computer screen it still means that very same thing. Change is normal, inevitable, even necessary. Sometimes we have to change because of others' actions or decisions; other times we choose it, embracing it each step of the way. We walk, stumble, get up, stand tall, continue on...pressing forward. I am the woman who can stand, walk and not falter.  I feel as if I have fasted, prayed, persevered over the last ten years and even still...change presents itself and I can easily embrace it.  Jeesh, sometimes I even thrive on it!  I love a challenge, an opportunity to plot, plan and execute. Today, I am wondering what is wrong with me.  Is it because my heartstrings are weary?  Do they no longer hold me to everything that I have worked so diligently to protect?  Or are they just uneven, at different lengths than previously known, causing an awkward, adolescent pause for a few brief moments?

I see and know what needs to be changed and I want to put on my running shoes and take off towards a new goal, a new challenge.  I feel smothered, stepped on, held under water against my will.  The more I stretch, trying to work out the kinks, the longer I am needing to hold my breath and crouch in defense.  For the first time in a very long time, change is not synonymous with shared goals, values, even just plain thoughts. Haven't we learned from the past that life is too precious, too short, taken against our plans before we are done with them?  If so, then why wont my feet fit into my shoes and take me away to safety, to happiness, to truth?   

Its my desire to have peace, love and happiness and to be able to share that with my husband, my family and my friends. Sometimes what we "want" doesn't actually coincide with what we "need" or what our intuition tells us, and that is scary. Really frightening.  But, Change is on the Horizon and another journey it will be. 

I hope that my soles can support my soul.

Until again,
~Red

Goodbye, Stress and 2010

The year is coming to an end. Finally. Goodbye 2010, hello 2011. It seems cliche that we become so reflective at the end of each calendar year, when in fact the reflection should take place each and every day. As this year comes to a much-welcomed close, I am reflecting upon lessons learned, lessons taught, lessons observed and how change is sometimes just what one needs. Like a freshly washed blackboard on the first day of school, the trees budding in the spring...a clean slate and a fresh start.

A year ago this week, we began what has turned out to be a very long journey to begin our family.  Due to circumstances beyond our control and way too much stress in our daily lives, our first cycle of IVF failed. Looking back, it was a foolish decision to choose that time in our lives to try to have a baby...and that decision has been made a few times since. Each time, it ends in heartbreak...whether by miscarriage or cycle failure....either way, its another step towards a door that is slowly closing in our futures.  So, one of the biggest lessons that we have both learned is that stress is damaging. Research proves that it is harmful to our bodies in so many ways...cancer-causing, stroke-inducing, obesity, depression...stress is a common denominator. However, we have also learned that managing stress and the influences surrounding us (jobs, family, infertility, friends, etc) is really important. And, it is acceptable to, after putting God first, to put our marriage in a close second...for this is what the Bible instructs us to do.  When each day is done I know that I have at least one constant that I can depend on, and that is my husband. Friends come and go (the true ones stick around), family is a constant ebb and flow of change and discord, careers take on new directions, we move to new places...but we always have one another, and in that there is great contentment, only found after much grief and turmoil and trial and error. So, the lesson has been learned and will be under very close management in the future.

In making the move back to Chicago, we said farewell to jobs that we loved and great friends that were made while in Dallas. If the last four months are any indication to "lifetime" friendships, then I am confident in saying that some of the best friends we've been lucky enough to know have been from relationships that began in Texas. (See, Texas was good for something!)  Although its wonderful to be home, where our heartstrings have been pulling us for quite some time, it has not happened without turmoil and...you guessed it...stress.  Luckily, we have a very close core group of loved ones that have kept us focused, serious and sane. Well, and we've had a little bit of fun along the way, too. :)  Scott has a wonderful position in a very popular restaurant with tons of room for upward growth and I am on the brink of a position that I have been searching for since I arrived. Good things come to those who patiently wait (Thanks again, Dad!), and our waiting has allowed each of us the time to reflect upon the past and plan for the future. 

In creating a new life (both baby-speak and collectively), we are going to say goodbye to some of the social outlets that have created unnecessary issues while we focus on expanding our family. I will still check Facebook periodically, but for privacy reasons none of our news will be public knowledge.  My body is working very diligently for me and I am choosing to protect every moment of each day; selfish, some may say, but a choice that has been a long time coming.  Health, happiness and well being are at the top of the list of goals for 2011.  So, goodbye chaos & stress and misread, manipulated words and status updates.  Hello, Peace and Grace. We've been waiting a long time for you!

We are excited for what lies ahead and thankful for a daily dose of hope and love, tempered with a bit of patience and the desire to endure.  This next chapter of life will be an exciting one; carefully protected, tenderly loved. Blogging will continue, but in a different capacity. More humor, less personal.  My novel writing can finally resume, bread baking for fun and not stress relief will happen, and yoga is once again for an inward peace and outward release.  Email and phone calls are welcomed! Facebooking is not.

Have a safe and blessed Christmas and wishing much love, peace and joy in the new year.

Until again,
~Red

Should or Should Not?

My husband has a close Christian friend whom he regularly chats with about life's road and travels. Recently this gentleman shared a phrase with Scott that reads, "I will not SHOULD on myself today." He even gave him an 8x10 printout and Scott put it on his dresser the day he brought it home, and there it still sits. When I first looked at it, I couldn't comprehend what it actually meant. It was frustrating! I am usually fairly quick at deciphering the meaning of words and this little phrase followed me around for days and days, creeping into my thoughts repeatedly. When I finally concluded what this one small phrase could encompass, it was as if a light bulb turned on above my head....it all fell into place.

Life isn't about knocking ourselves out on a daily basis at the expense of our sanity and health. It's not about all work and no play, nor sacrificing what is important to us on an individual basis. It's not about compromising our values and our core being just because someone else may disagree with what we are doing or about to do. What this little phrase has said to me, in the midst of a major debate and huge decision, is that I don't have to go to bed at night and think about all of the things that I SHOULD have said, SHOULD have done, SHOULD do tomorrow. I am responsible for my thoughts and actions, and selfish as some may think, there is no reason that I SHOULD feel guilty for decisions that are in the process of being made.

If you know me well, then you know of my giving nature, my tendency to do for others long before I do something for myself. You know that I love with everything that I have and trust even the most untrustworthy. My heart is often much larger than my head and sometimes my willingness to forgive and love gets in the way of common sense and sound decisions. I have been blessed enough to experience very difficult situations in my 35 years (death, infidelity, divorce, sudden death, infertility, etc) and have in turn been able to use my knowledge to help others who have also walked a similar path. In sharing some of my experience, the hurt luckily doesn't surface as quickly as it used to and I do feel very, very blessed to be able to counsel others, even if in just a small way. Unfortunately, I do battle with the Shoulds and Should Nots, because even with the best intentions, we are all human...and even with solicitations for advice, knowledge and counsel, my words and actions have been misinterpreted and manipulated, leaving me to question myself....Should I have just been quiet? Didn't God allow me to deeply learn from my life so far in order to share it with others? Where is the fine line? And, most recently (thanks, Scottie, for your little poster on the dresser), how do I live each day and not SHOULD on myself?

I had to make a very difficult decision recently that was one of the most scary and just downright hard things I have had to do. I had to decide to stand strong, stand firm and stand tall, even when all I wanted to do was pull the covers over my head and not continuously worry and fear the person and situation that I was in the midst of. It was difficult, to say the least. And, you know me well if you are actually reading this...you know that I had to totally fake it. I am not a bold person with a big personality. I love, I give, I pray...I don't stand up to bullies, but I do pray for their hearts and minds. So, in taking my stance it snowballed into a sudden state of unemployment, by my own choice. Should I have done this? I wish I could say that I am resting easy with the choice and situation, but I am not. I am sad, hurting and confused. I miss my work family (minus the bully) and my doctor, who is also a good friend. So, that little poster is haunting my thoughts...and I am having an issue with my decision, still unsure of my own actions and reactions and contemplating this fork in the Road of Life.

How do we rest peacefully and easily with our choices? If we have prayed about it, contemplated it, talked to others who often give sound advice, how can we sit back and wonder...Should I fix this (and how????)? Should I have just let it go, let it continue, trust in the fact that God will protect me? (Again, how??????)

I am not sure if I made the right choice. I did step out of the chaos and back into what I had hoped would be peace. But, I don't feel peaceful. I feel sad.

Until again,
~Red

Cheaper by the Dozen

Well, even though my blog is still under construction and I am trying my best to reorganize my page and all of the links, pictures, etc that are displayed, I really need to post an update today for friends and family to become informed as to what is currently going on.

Most of you know that Scott and I began our journey towards our future family a few weeks ago. I have been doing injections at home in order to prepare my body and my eggs for an egg retrieval later this week, which means that my eggs would be taken, fertilized by Scott's sperm, incubated for 5 days in the lab and then the embryos are transferred back into their rightful home, my uterus.

Yesterday was Day 10 of stimulation meds and another ultrasound with bloodwork. I have been going to our clinic every other day for almost two weeks and have been giving myself shots since December 11. My doctor has been out of town for a few weeks (which we just learned as of yesterday morning) and apparently my medication dose was not as high as it should have been in order to facilitate the making of mature and retrieval-ready eggs for Wednesday's appointment. In a nutshell, our cycle has been canceled and I don't really have any further information at this moment in time. I will follow up with my doctor on Friday morning and hope to have a new (and better monitored) plan after that time and will keep everyone in the loop.

On a positive note, I can finally take the necessary medications to kick this sinus/head/chest cold! Acupuncture will also resume as of Friday and will continue to be an active part of our Fertility Game Plan.

Please continue your prayers for both Scott and I as we endure this journey together. We are hopeful and prayerful...this will not set us back emotionally or physically....if anything, it allows us time to continue to prepare our bodies and minds for what is next to come.

Until again,
~Red

A Little Bit of Home

Chilly weather, cloudy skies, football weekends...in our great search for a taste of home, we came up empty handed, which at this point is never much of a surprise to us while we are residents of this lovely state. In an effort to scare away another random bout of homesickness for both of us, I pulled out my old tried and true recipes and voila....Chicago Style Italian Beef will be enjoyed as our dinner this evening. I've had many requests for this recipe, so it is listed below for your culinary enjoyment. :)

CHICAGO STYLE ITALIAN BEEF Christine Anderson

4-5 pound Beef roast Bottom round or Eye of round
2-3 large yellow or sweet onions, thinly sliced
4-6 green peppers, thinly sliced

In large pan, pour a few tablespoons of olive or canola oil.
Place roast in pan, turn to generously coat meat.
Season with salt, pepper, Italian Seasoning (Oregano, Parsley, Basil).
Sear meat at Medium-High heat on all sides.
Remove from heat. Add 1 cup Beef Broth.

Roast meat at 300 degrees for 30 mins.
Decrease temperature to 275 degrees. Calculate roasting time by multiplying each
pound of meat times 30 minutes. (3 pound roast = 1.5 hours).
Halfway through roasting time, turn meat over.
Continue to roast; Meat should be fork-tender.
Refrigerate overnight in roasting pan, saving juices, for best results.


Remove meat from roasting pan.
Remove fat from top of juices and discard. Add liquid to crockpot.
Thinly slice all meat and place in crockpot.
Add approximately 3 c. beef broth to top of meat.
Most of meat should be in liquid. Add water if necessary. (This will depend on size
of roasts). I usually use one 32 oz. box of salt-free Beef Broth for a 4 pound roast.
Place sliced onions and sliced green peppers on top of meat/broth mixture. Cover.
Cook on Low for at least 6 hours. If possible, stir halfway through cooking time.


Serve with giardinera, jalapenos, banana peppers, etc. Mixture freezes well and can
be reheated on the stove top or crockpot.
Enjoy!

Until again,
~Red

"In Due Time"

Summer and excessive heat have given way to cloudy skies, 70 degree temps and a brisk feeling in the air. If I take a few deep, cleansing breaths and really concentrate, I might talk myself into smelling a bonfire off in the distance and imagine myself in a fleece and mittens. :) The fall weather is making me want to do Spring Cleaning! Texas has proven itself to us the past 14 months to be a place of new beginnings, new friends and jobs, unexpected closeness and solid relationships with family and many surprising twists and turns on this road trip. We know that our future, wherever it may be, will hold our new friends close to our hearts and in our lives in some capacity.


Now that the chaos of the past six months seems to be lifting and dissipating, Scott and I are about to begin yet another new journey together. Some of our "travels" have led us astray from the one commonality that we have shared from the beginning -- our deep love of the city --yet the recent detours have been educational, eye-opening and inspiring. Thankful for one another at the beginning and end of each day and feeling blessed in our lives, we have decided that this journey is about to take a turn on our Life Road. With few regrets about our time in the Land of Cowboy Love, the time has come to ponder what the future has in store.



Will it lead us back to the Windy City? Will this little family unit expand? Will our roots continue to extend into the earth here in Dallas County? Will my book be published? Will Scott go to culinary school? Will I go to dental school? Will a new puppy join us? Perhaps a kitty? An adopted child? All possibilities that could have a happy ending. In the words of my father, "Good things come to those who wait." If waiting is to teach patience, then please know that we breathe and bleed patience and understanding, all in hopes of gaining wisdom and the ability to persevere in any and every situation and circumstance.



We know. We have a plan. In due time, and in both small and grand doses, we will begin to share what is happening.

Stay tuned.

Until again,
~Red

Moving to Texas

My best friend's husband emailed me something very funny today titled, "Moving to Texas". Before opening his email, I briefly pondered what on earth his email could or would be about, as I definitely know that they are not planning on moving here! (Who would....its too damn hot all of the time?????). I don't know where this email originated, but I laughed so hard all the way through to the end and couldn't resist sharing it here. Whoever did write this has brilliantly described how I feel on a daily basis living in this hot, dry, awful state. So, please read on. Enjoy. Laugh and think of me. Sweating. Butt stuck to my leather seats. Scott stealing all of our hand towels to mop himself with while driving to work, sweating in the heat. Living in Texas has many positives, but not during the months of June, July, August or September. Comments?

Until again,

~Red

Dear Diary, Just moved to Texas ! Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here. June 14th: Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper. June 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here. July 10th: The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected. July 15th: Fell asleep by the community pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body). Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this. July 20th: I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again. July 25th: The wind sucks. It feels like a giant blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts. July 30th: Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here? Aug. 4th: It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state. Aug. 8th: If another wise ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!! Aug. 9th: Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, my ass caught fire. My skin melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs. . . Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat. Aug 10th: I’m convinced now that the weather report is a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do Shit for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn state? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat. Aug. 14th: Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me??? "Hot enough for you today?" My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Texas . What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?? Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.

Dreaming in (John Deere) Green

I don't dream in black and white. I dream in Green. Specifically John Deere Green. This could be the richness of a well maintained lawn or a spiffy new John Deere rider with a bright yellow seat, made just for me. Yes, that's my dream ride. :)

It wasn't but about one year ago that I wrote a blog about living in Chicago, on the verge of making a huge decision that would change our paths in life, that I began to think of life outside of the Chicago city limits. I would take Sebastian for long walks around our yuppified neighborhood and come home, full of ideas and rants & raves on the latest happenings of my too-rich-for-their-own-good neighbors. From Land Rovers blocking my parking space to snotty kids cutting in front of me at Sweet Mandy B's, they provided quite a bit of entertainment that went unwritten (but brought me quite a few internal chuckles all the same!). I once blogged about a woman that lived down the street from us that could often be seen cutting her front lawn with scissors. Seriously, like kitchen shears. I thought she was a nut job at the time, but...

A few weeks ago, I walked out my back door in Texas~yes, hot-as-hell-in-what-should be springtime Texas~and was so discouraged as I tossed off my flip flops to put my bare feet in the grass. Anyone that knows me well knows of both my shoe fetish and my dislike of actually wearing shoes. For 34 years, each spring, I wait...no, I dream, about that day in which I can open all of the windows and run outside, daring to peel off my socks and shoes and set foot in the carpet of my lawn. Ha. This year the joke was definitely on me, for many reasons (and I can't even remember the last time a pair of socks graced my feet...). Let's just say that grass in Texas is NOT THE SAME as any grass I have ever encountered. It resembles thick, pointy brownish-green blades of Foot Cutting Death. Seriously. You can't walk barefoot in this stuff. Ever. Not in spring. Not in fall. Give me a bed of sharp nails, they'd probably hurt less than the lawn I am currently tending and tip-toeing around in. Sebastian has to be coaxed off of the patio to walk five feet to lift his leg on a tree...coaxed is a kind phrase...I usually have to chase him off and say every "hot button" word I know to excite him (Papa, bath, bye bye, birdies, bunnies, squirrels, Daddy)to even get the dog to go in the grass and pee. There must be something terribly wrong with my lawn if the dog doesn't even want to use it!

In great disgust and for lack of knowing what to do to make this yard of ours at least pleasing to our eyes if not to our feet, I called upon the Great Grass God for his expertise, advice and well, damn it, I needed his help. My dad, the GGG (Great Grass God), listened and asked a few questions, and carefully reminded me that this grass will never be as I want it to be, it is North Texas after all. I'm stubborn and I don't want to hear that!!!! I NEED to walk across the yard barefoot, to feel the softness between my toes....Dad, Help Me! Okay, Okay, he finally gave in and offered a few pointers (rake, seed, water, patience, fertilize, water, water, water) and I am following them to his exact instruction. I have internally giggled my way across the backyard with my memories of the crazy lady in Lincoln Park that literally would cut her front patch of lawn with kitchen shears...for I, too, have utilized my own kitchen shears in my backyard. I know, chuckle away...I used them for an area that the rake couldn't handle. :)

Currently, I have spotted signs of teeny, tiny blades of green grass pushing through the brown life that surrounds them, reaching for more water and more sunshine. I have carefully planted, fertilized, watered and watched. If I am sitting really still in the evening on my patio, beer and/or wine in hand, I swear I can hear it growing. At least, that's what the GGG (aka, my Dad) says I should be able to hear. Maybe its the wine. Maybe its my genes. I am determined to have a luscious, velvety and green lawn before this summer ends. I am my father's daughter after all.

If it doesn't work, well, then I guess we will have to pack up and leave the land of Cowboy Love in search of greener lawns. :)

Until again,
Red


In reference to above pictures:
Top photo: My dad's blissfully green, velvety soft lawn in Liberty, MO.
Middle photo: My backyard, Coppell, TX (ducks are just visiting)
Lower photo: GGG, aka: My Daddy

Goodbye, My Sweet Friend

For those of you who have held my dear friend, Annette, in prayer and who have lovingly followed along in her journey at my side...Annette passed away this morning and went to be with her Heavenly Father. Her suffering is no more and she is once again whole and healed, and undoubtedly in Heaven dancing at the feet of Jesus.

I ask that you continue to keep her husband, Scott, and their four children and the entire family and community that has spent so much time in caring for this remarkable woman in your prayers during the upcoming days, weeks and months ahead. Her memorial service is not until next Monday and Tuesday, and it will be a few weeks before the realization sets in and they begin their lives without their wife, mother, daughter, cousin and friend.

Thankful are we that her suffering has peacefully ended. Grateful are we for sharing in the love and inspiration of Annette and her sweet spirit. May the Lord bring each person grieving this loss much grace and understanding, for we know that our Annette would have wanted us to rejoice, smile and hug one another in celebration of her life.

Blessings to you.
C

SisterChicks

SisterChicks...

Those of you close to me know that my dear friend, Annette Roix, has been enduring the diagnosis and treatment of Stage 4 Renal Carcinoma for quite some time. She has an established blog that, until recently, was updated mostly by herself and now by her cousin/friend/Pastor, John Nordstrom. (http://updateonnette.blogspot.com) I have been blessed to have known both John and Annette, along with her family for about 4.5 years. A few days ago, John posted an update on Annette's health and status and also a request for comments and stories that will eventually be compiled into a Memory Book for her husband, Scott, and their four children. Below, I have pasted my contribution and also felt the need to share it within this realm as well. Before moving on to my comment, I need to elaborate. Below, before my actual comment for the Memory Book, are my personal thoughts.

As we all know, people do come into and leave an imprint on our lives. Sometimes we are blessed to have them around for many, many years and other times, we feel as if our time together has been short-changed. Annette came into my life so unexpectedly, yet as I reflect upon that particular time period, I see that it really wasn't so unexpected after all. God had His gracious hand upon both of us, and those surrounding us, and led us directly to one another. In the midst of great sadness and confusion, Annette taught me to love and be loved, to stand tall even when I didn't want to at all, and most importantly...she taught me to fully trust in God. She gave me a book entitled, "Grace Walk", and we fervently studied it together. These lessons are those that I carry with me each day as I walk forward as gracefully as possible.

The deck of cards for my life thus far have not always ended up with a Royal Flush; in fact, many times I wanted to flush my dealt hand right down the toilet, because all I had left to say was "I'm folding". During the darkest of dark times, I cried out to God, and on Annette's shoulder, to just find peace. And guess what...God provided peace. Abundant Peace. And, Forgiveness. Through life changing events, my brother's unexpected loss and too many happy & blessed times to list...Annette's teaching ways and generous spirit have always been with me.

During this bleak time of Annette's life, when it doesn't appear that God will grant the miracle we have all been praying for, I have to remember to do as Annette taught me: Give it to God. He's the only one that can take our burdens, fears and disappointments and carry the burden for us. I am heartbroken to be on the verge of losing my dear friend, but am finding much comfort in knowing that this, too, is all part of the Master Plan. God will allow grief, but in the grief we will also find the comfort and peace that only He can bring. In Abundance, with Grace. Just as Annette taught me and predicted it would be.


THIS IS MY COMMENT THAT IS CURRENTLY POSTED ON ANNETTE'S BLOG AND WILL (HOPEFULLY) BE USED AS PART OF A MEMORY BOOK FOR HER HUSBAND AND FOUR CHILDREN....

Tales From a Redhead in the City... said...

I met Annette and her family in early 2004 at a financial seminar that Christ Community Church was hosting. Annette and Scott were seated a few tables away from where I was sitting, and in the midst of learning and listening, Annette's bright eyes made contact with mine. As soon as the seminar ended, she approached me with a warm welcome, a friendly hug and her pretty smile. I knew that she was someone special before we ever exchanged words! What everyone else has been saying...to know Annette is to love and be loved, and that is so very true.

A day or two passed and my phone rang. Annette was at the other end of the line, wondering if I would like to get together. Little did she know at the time, I was experiencing the end of my marriage, the loss of a baby and feeling generally alienated from those that I normally had surrounding me. I was hesitant, but then remembered Annette's gentle hug over her big, pregnant belly and I couldn't say no. She welcomed me into her life and the lives of her family, invited me to church, introduced me to a wonderful group of women who immediately embraced me into their latest book discussion (in which Annette so graciously shared a copy of the book), had me at her dinner table, in her car running errands, visiting her when Zachary was born...the list goes on. In a few short months, Annette, Scott and friends (you know who you are!) gently led me to laughter, friendship, purpose and love. Annette and Scott together...what an inspirational team!

As time passed and I moved away, Annette's friendship never ceased. Encouraging emails and phone calls were there to remind me not only of Annette's unconditional love, but also of God's. During a time of my life where I continuously cried out to the Lord for guidance and answers, he led me to Annette and it was in our friendship that I learned how to strive to be a Godly woman and live a life full of grace and forgiveness.

I regret the amount of time that passed and how busy life sometimes becomes for all of us and we sometimes forget to just pick up the phone and call those that we love. We take for granted that our time here on Earth is limitless and that we will always have time to do all of the things on our lists...if we must endure this marathon that we are all sharing in with Annette and her loving family, then we must also be sure to stop for a quiet moment to pray and give thanks. Perhaps it will be thanks for a miraculous healing, thanks for ultimate understanding, peace and comfort, and thanks for being as blessed as we each have been by our dear, sweet friend. We must remember the Lord's love, patience, endurance and grace that we have witnessed by being a part of Annette's life.

Even though we have not seen one another for a good amount of time, I will never, ever forget the very moment that I was blessed enough to become Annette's friend. We are praying for you and your family constantly and hoping that your miracle will soon arrive. I love you my SisterChick book-loving friend!

Blessings,
Christy (English) Anderson

April 4, 2009 2:38 PM