November is always a rough month for my family. I spend more time than I care to admit in the role of counselor for those around me that are still unable to find the joy in the loss of our loved ones. Until a few months ago, I felt incredibly selfish and embarrassed at my ability to actually grieve and come out on the other side as whole. You see, I am the youngest of eight kids, and no matter how old we are (39 here), I am still the little sister and you can imagine how that might unfold in serious conversations. Missing my mother as we cross off another year since her passing is healthy and normal, as long as life right now is not fully re-routed in turmoil and discord.
Truth be told?
I AM TIRED OF IT. The chaos? Done. The inability to follow through on commitments and promises? Over it. Screaming and yelling and carrying on, pushing blame and awful words on me? Not gonna happen anymore. Why? Because I don't have to participate and it is ok to let others trudge alone sometimes. I was alone, and it was painful and beautiful and necessary. I am this woman now because of my Life Road and I am more than okay with it...I love myself. I am choosing to let go of the weariness that comes along with stifling my personal happiness because it might bother someone else or disappoint them in some way. I am done standing in the shadows in fear that, by stepping out, I may upset someone. I am intelligent, strong, funny, creative, kind-hearted and driven. I have ideas--really big ideas--and supportive friends and mentors who encourage me to tap in to my ability to focus, create, plan and soar...and I intend to use all of this to create something big. Really big.
So, today...I choose to stand firmly on my ground...on this solid earth beneath me, and spread my wings. It is my time to fly and not feel guilty. I want to desire greatness for myself and you know what? Greatness awaits and I don't, and won't, feel terrible about it any longer.
My mother has been gone from this earth for 13 years already (prompting this post within a post), which is beautiful and yet terrifying all in one thought. I am so thankful for my place at the end of the line of children born and for the 25 years that I had with her. I am grateful for my emotional strength and for the wisdom I carry forward into life, probably many years before I should truly be able to do so. I am also thankful for my true family, which many times isn't even a circle of beings that share DNA.
I wrote the following blog shortly after my brother, David, tragically passed away. In sharing my grief through writing, and with the support of my husband and a few close friends at the time, I found great peace, and even a dose or two of joy, as I processed my sadness in such a public forum. As I reflected today on missing my little Mom, I was reading this post and it touched my heart so deeply, almost as if a stranger had written it and I was absorbing her exact thoughts. So, here I am, sharing with you, nearly six years later.
May the peace and joy of your loved ones, here and gone, fill your heart with exponential love this holiday season.
Until again,
~Red
A RECYCLED POST ~ "LIFE GOES ON"
Life has to go on~it must, and it will.
It is necessary that each day propel us forward. We've all heard of it, the Circle of Life...you're born into this world; you live; and then you're gone. In this life, there will be death. Its a fact, its nothing new. Its not a surprise. It is what it is. We lose people that we love; we lose people that we don't love as much. Why, in the midst of life, when death strikes, do we regress and act as if this situation has never happened to anyone but US???? Why do some of us move forward gracefully, and others digress to the point of dying within themselves?
I am full of questions, though short on answers. Should we feel guilty for moving forward after losing someone we love? What if others around us want to constantly, and consistently, drag us down with them, when in fact we have tried so hard to get up each day and move on? How should we handle these dark clouds around us? Do we alienate them (further) from our lives, or blindly jump into the chaos they create, all in "the name of family"? Who decides what the limits are? In the grand scheme of life, shouldn't we expect death, and maybe even learn to welcome it when its time?
Shouldn't someone be in charge of keeping all of these clowns in line? I refuse to let my life become a circus and am proud of the fact that in my own little family unit, we have grieved, grown, and pressed on. What effect will this decision have on me?
That's an answer that I do know...I will be a one (wo-)man show.
And, what do we do when someone bypasses boundaries that we have strived to set? Confrontational or gracefully, there will always be someone that isn't satisfied. How, in good faith and for personal sanity, can we draw the line and be sure that someone doesn't come along with an eraser? And when the lines are crossed, how do we move forward as broken souls?
