I have never felt so forced to sit down and write as I do at this moment. Usually, my journals (of the paper variety) fill up quickly and my thoughts are easily sorted, organized and ready to be shared. This year is off to a very "forced" start, if that even makes sense. I'm not normally a person easily swayed or discouraged, yet I have felt discouraged in the one outlet that has always brought me a sense of completion and peace.
Change. CHANGE. change. c-h-a-n-g-e. No matter how it looks on paper, or a computer screen it still means that very same thing. Change is normal, inevitable, even necessary. Sometimes we have to change because of others' actions or decisions; other times we choose it, embracing it each step of the way. We walk, stumble, get up, stand tall, continue on...pressing forward. I am the woman who can stand, walk and not falter. I feel as if I have fasted, prayed, persevered over the last ten years and even still...change presents itself and I can easily embrace it. Jeesh, sometimes I even thrive on it! I love a challenge, an opportunity to plot, plan and execute. Today, I am wondering what is wrong with me. Is it because my heartstrings are weary? Do they no longer hold me to everything that I have worked so diligently to protect? Or are they just uneven, at different lengths than previously known, causing an awkward, adolescent pause for a few brief moments?
I see and know what needs to be changed and I want to put on my running shoes and take off towards a new goal, a new challenge. I feel smothered, stepped on, held under water against my will. The more I stretch, trying to work out the kinks, the longer I am needing to hold my breath and crouch in defense. For the first time in a very long time, change is not synonymous with shared goals, values, even just plain thoughts. Haven't we learned from the past that life is too precious, too short, taken against our plans before we are done with them? If so, then why wont my feet fit into my shoes and take me away to safety, to happiness, to truth?
Its my desire to have peace, love and happiness and to be able to share that with my husband, my family and my friends. Sometimes what we "want" doesn't actually coincide with what we "need" or what our intuition tells us, and that is scary. Really frightening. But, Change is on the Horizon and another journey it will be.
I hope that my soles can support my soul.
Until again,
~Red
