As I have said in the past to you blog-readers, I am not always sure who is reading my stuff. For those of you who know me well, the Life Road blog will be further insight into my life, my choices, my family dynamic. This is a very difficult few days for me as I approach the anniversary of my mother's passing. No matter how many days, weeks and years go by, November 9 is just plain difficult. In the midst of sadness, though, I wanted to be able to share insight on death, loss, life, and choices because in the last few weeks I have known three people who suddenly passed away~its just a fact of life that we all will endure at one point or another, some more frequently than others too. So, just make your Life Road a priority and be aware of your decisions and actions. One never knows when our jobs here are done and we will be called to a greater purpose, so live and love and forgive. Daily.
Enough rambling from me for today. Funnier blogs are on the horizon, as Texas has given me a load of hilarious material!
Until again,
Red
Monday, November 3, 2008
Life Road
It seems so unreal to me at certain points in my life how quickly time passes. It just tick, tick, ticks right on without much notice until one day....whew....we have an entire list of things yet to do, another paper pile to purge, phone calls still to return, conversations that should have been had that we haven't "had time for", places to be, friends and family to see~our days don't seem to have enough hours, our weeks don't have enough days, our year is short on weeks. Time marches on...another year has passed, the holidays are fast approaching, and its almost time to resolve ourselves to a brand new year with new goals, good intentions, less stress.
Eight years ago this week, I spent days upon days in the hospital with my mother while she struggled her way to a peaceful state. During those sleepless nights and exhausting days, I learned not only about pain, suffering, death, peace, love, perseverance and joy~but also about the strength of family. I learned that time should never be taken for granted, as our days are planned out for us before we enter this earth. I learned that in death there is also life~sounds cliche, I know...this is something that we learn from Christ at an early age. But when you are holding the hand of your mother as she braves the unknown, you have to hope that there is life beyond, and when she leaves, your heart can only survive and move forward if you believe that she is indeed in a Heavenly place. The strength of family came to me through not my siblings, but in cousins that love me as a sister and took care of me when I couldn't take care of myself; who held me close and provided that shoulder to cry upon as it had never been provided so unconditionally. They let me cry, they cried with me. They held me, they also gave me space. They always knew (and still do) what to say and the exact moment to say it. My dear aunt, who still proves to be a motherly woman to me, who loved me as no one else could and understands me more than I sometimes understand myself, even now. My uncle, who in few words gave me a place to feel safe and find rest (and humored the above-mentioned women in all of their whims...in fact, he still does!). A friend that I have known my entire life, who is still my best friend to this very day. My father~whose heart broke more than any of ours the day that my mother left this earth, the very man who gives and gives and gives to and for all of his children; without him, I truly would be nothing. This does not mean that we siblings didn't grieve and share with one another~we most definitely did so. But eight different personalities don't grieve, accept, and move forward at the same pace sometimes. Part of growing and maturing is learning acceptance and practicing forgiveness, which inevitably bring about an attitude of gratitude and grace.
For some of us, family does not always mean your parents, your brother, your sister, aunts, uncles, grandparents. Sometimes our closest "family" are our friends that know us much better than those whose blood we claim to share. Maybe they are classmates from years ago, maybe they are part of your church family or friends that you work with; maybe its your husband, wife, partner, maybe it really is your brother or sister. These are the people that "get" us, that understand and manage to accept us for who we are, without judgement or suggestion. It makes sense, really, that our friends would likely love us "more"...we choose to enter each other's lives on equal ground and of solid mind; we pick one another, after all! I once had a very heated discussion with someone that was very close to me about the small number of close friends that I actually had at that time. I tried to explain that in my heart and mind, it was not about how many friends I possessed, but the bond that I shared with those friends. It was so infuriating to me that I was being asked to explain the unexplainable and to defend these extremely close bonds that I shared (and still do) and considered family. That discussion never did end in resolve, but in choosing shortly after that to go down an uncharted pathway on my Life Road, I ended up in a far different, and much more stable, loving, and peaceful place.
Being the youngest of eight children, and birthed much later than all of my siblings, I lack the closeness shared by those that grow up together. My entire life I always felt so left out in their reminiscing, their activities, their lives. Honestly, I am young enough to be the daughter of several of them, so imagine growing up in a full house, yet a lonely one. At the time, I didn't really understand the family dynamic, as most of my memories within our home just involved my brother David, who was 9 years older than me. If he were here today, I could easily say "he gets me", he always did! Even surrounding my mother as she bravely smiled at us and shared encouragement until her very last breath, I didn't realize that I had been walking around in a world almost all alone. You would assume that being in a large family one would have a constant support system, always a shoulder to cry on, a non-judgemental opinion and words of wisdom to be had. My Life Road has brought me to this day, this very moment and I no longer feel so alone, but this I credit to choices~sold, thorough choices that I made for myself in order to finally, finally be able to live in a peaceful state, surrounded by those that I choose to hold close to my heart.
Eight years have passed, almost to the day, since my mother left this world. I never knew that on the morning of November 7, when I went to cast my vote for Al Gore, that it would be the last time I would sit with my mother and chat, just like any other day. That was the day that we took her to the hospital for the last time and she left this world two days later. I certainly didn't prepare for the void~as I don't think anyone really can~and its a void that goes unfilled even now. But, my Life Road and the choices made along the way have allowed me to exude confidence and have shaped my into the woman that I have become. Recently, an old friend reminded me of a time in the third grade when my brother David came to our classroom near the end of the school year to be a shining light of encouragement and a role model; he came to tell our class about what it felt like to graduate from high school. I had forgotten all about this particular memory, until a few days ago, and in sharing some of my Life Road story with this friend, the subject of my brother and his tragic passing was discussed. My point is this: Even though we may sometimes feel that the crossroads is too much to bear, that we are overwhelmed and confused, we must always find peace in following our hearts and the will for our lives. Even that day back in 1983, David knew somehow that he would be a leader, a teacher, a student, a friend, a husband, a father, a role model. He followed through with his Life Road and his legacy exudes that fact. We all should be so motivated, dedicated, and brave to hop on our bikes without the training wheels and trust in what lies ahead.
I guess that when contemplating which way to go on the road of Life, sometimes we approach a crossroad and we have to make a decision. Contemplating that Fork isn't always easy, and sometimes it doesn't end up the way we hope for or with the people that we expect to be in our next chapter, but one thing is guaranteed~the road goes on, as time also does, and we have to keep moving forward. As I have said before, in life there will be death, but also in death, there is life.
Live a joyous, productive, and loving week ahead. Hug yourself if no one is there to hold you~smile at a stranger, call your best friend. Whisper "I love you" in the ear of your soulmate.
Until again,
Red
Eight years ago this week, I spent days upon days in the hospital with my mother while she struggled her way to a peaceful state. During those sleepless nights and exhausting days, I learned not only about pain, suffering, death, peace, love, perseverance and joy~but also about the strength of family. I learned that time should never be taken for granted, as our days are planned out for us before we enter this earth. I learned that in death there is also life~sounds cliche, I know...this is something that we learn from Christ at an early age. But when you are holding the hand of your mother as she braves the unknown, you have to hope that there is life beyond, and when she leaves, your heart can only survive and move forward if you believe that she is indeed in a Heavenly place. The strength of family came to me through not my siblings, but in cousins that love me as a sister and took care of me when I couldn't take care of myself; who held me close and provided that shoulder to cry upon as it had never been provided so unconditionally. They let me cry, they cried with me. They held me, they also gave me space. They always knew (and still do) what to say and the exact moment to say it. My dear aunt, who still proves to be a motherly woman to me, who loved me as no one else could and understands me more than I sometimes understand myself, even now. My uncle, who in few words gave me a place to feel safe and find rest (and humored the above-mentioned women in all of their whims...in fact, he still does!). A friend that I have known my entire life, who is still my best friend to this very day. My father~whose heart broke more than any of ours the day that my mother left this earth, the very man who gives and gives and gives to and for all of his children; without him, I truly would be nothing. This does not mean that we siblings didn't grieve and share with one another~we most definitely did so. But eight different personalities don't grieve, accept, and move forward at the same pace sometimes. Part of growing and maturing is learning acceptance and practicing forgiveness, which inevitably bring about an attitude of gratitude and grace.
For some of us, family does not always mean your parents, your brother, your sister, aunts, uncles, grandparents. Sometimes our closest "family" are our friends that know us much better than those whose blood we claim to share. Maybe they are classmates from years ago, maybe they are part of your church family or friends that you work with; maybe its your husband, wife, partner, maybe it really is your brother or sister. These are the people that "get" us, that understand and manage to accept us for who we are, without judgement or suggestion. It makes sense, really, that our friends would likely love us "more"...we choose to enter each other's lives on equal ground and of solid mind; we pick one another, after all! I once had a very heated discussion with someone that was very close to me about the small number of close friends that I actually had at that time. I tried to explain that in my heart and mind, it was not about how many friends I possessed, but the bond that I shared with those friends. It was so infuriating to me that I was being asked to explain the unexplainable and to defend these extremely close bonds that I shared (and still do) and considered family. That discussion never did end in resolve, but in choosing shortly after that to go down an uncharted pathway on my Life Road, I ended up in a far different, and much more stable, loving, and peaceful place.
Being the youngest of eight children, and birthed much later than all of my siblings, I lack the closeness shared by those that grow up together. My entire life I always felt so left out in their reminiscing, their activities, their lives. Honestly, I am young enough to be the daughter of several of them, so imagine growing up in a full house, yet a lonely one. At the time, I didn't really understand the family dynamic, as most of my memories within our home just involved my brother David, who was 9 years older than me. If he were here today, I could easily say "he gets me", he always did! Even surrounding my mother as she bravely smiled at us and shared encouragement until her very last breath, I didn't realize that I had been walking around in a world almost all alone. You would assume that being in a large family one would have a constant support system, always a shoulder to cry on, a non-judgemental opinion and words of wisdom to be had. My Life Road has brought me to this day, this very moment and I no longer feel so alone, but this I credit to choices~sold, thorough choices that I made for myself in order to finally, finally be able to live in a peaceful state, surrounded by those that I choose to hold close to my heart.
Eight years have passed, almost to the day, since my mother left this world. I never knew that on the morning of November 7, when I went to cast my vote for Al Gore, that it would be the last time I would sit with my mother and chat, just like any other day. That was the day that we took her to the hospital for the last time and she left this world two days later. I certainly didn't prepare for the void~as I don't think anyone really can~and its a void that goes unfilled even now. But, my Life Road and the choices made along the way have allowed me to exude confidence and have shaped my into the woman that I have become. Recently, an old friend reminded me of a time in the third grade when my brother David came to our classroom near the end of the school year to be a shining light of encouragement and a role model; he came to tell our class about what it felt like to graduate from high school. I had forgotten all about this particular memory, until a few days ago, and in sharing some of my Life Road story with this friend, the subject of my brother and his tragic passing was discussed. My point is this: Even though we may sometimes feel that the crossroads is too much to bear, that we are overwhelmed and confused, we must always find peace in following our hearts and the will for our lives. Even that day back in 1983, David knew somehow that he would be a leader, a teacher, a student, a friend, a husband, a father, a role model. He followed through with his Life Road and his legacy exudes that fact. We all should be so motivated, dedicated, and brave to hop on our bikes without the training wheels and trust in what lies ahead.
I guess that when contemplating which way to go on the road of Life, sometimes we approach a crossroad and we have to make a decision. Contemplating that Fork isn't always easy, and sometimes it doesn't end up the way we hope for or with the people that we expect to be in our next chapter, but one thing is guaranteed~the road goes on, as time also does, and we have to keep moving forward. As I have said before, in life there will be death, but also in death, there is life.
Live a joyous, productive, and loving week ahead. Hug yourself if no one is there to hold you~smile at a stranger, call your best friend. Whisper "I love you" in the ear of your soulmate.
Until again,
Red
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